A struggling Writer Wants-to-be's Story

I have always been interested in writing since I was a kid. At first it is just a go with a stream kind of process. One of my classmates in primary school had an interesting notebook called diary, which makes me very jealous because back then having diary, for me, represented someone's intelligence. I wanted to have what she had, but in more boyish way. Later, I found a term that less feminine than diary, a Journal - is what it called. I've been keeping journal since then.

Over the course of year, I evolve from someone who kept journal for the sake of attention (wanted to be seen smart) to become someone who found his passion in writing itself. It did not happen until I met a friend in high school who did writing and pursued writing as more than a hobby.

I was not born into a family of intellectual, I mean there are members of our family who succeeded in academic world. But oftentimes they become so distant from us. As if to say that "our hometown" is not a place for intellectuals. Therefore, they (now it includes me) stay in other places. What I realize from this whole thing is that this is what holding us from becoming an intellectual in early age.

I don't blame it on them. Because I do realize that even if they attempted to HELP, it wouldn't be easy. Distance makes everything so difficult. Now, for example, I wanted to teach my nieces to love reading books from early age. But then again, I have never been around for three years and I have never yet encountered a way to do it from far. Technology is around. But technologies' hand don't reach all people. It shakes its hand only with certain people. The rest left untouched.

University life begun. And I ended up studying literature, a major that I know nothing of - at all, literally! Even its definition, I have no idea what it was - let alone the courses. So, it was a kind of putting myself into a dark room without knowing either it's safe or not. What if it had poisonous animal in it? I could have infected and died.

The unexpected happens. Later I realized that literature is actually a perfect place for 'the lost' to stick their body on, until they figure out their ways. Literature teaches us multiple studies at the same time; psychology, philosophy, history, journalism, etc. Even if ones ended up not liking it, they could still use literature as a means of finding their identity. Many stories talk about how to rediscover yourself after so many years flying on the air of unknown. So, you will learn a lot of thing while studying literature.

What I learn, as someone who has a big crush on writing world, is the secret of writers. I know that to be a writer someone has to encounter the three phases of life,  James Joyce describes it as an epiphany . First, someone needs to have a sense of wholeness, meaning he needs to be able to see an object more than just an object. Two, harmony - he needs to see the connection between cause and effect. Three, radiance - the nodding moment when you examine the first two phases.

"After the analysis which discovers the second quality the mind makes the only logically possible synthesis and discovers the third quality. This is the moment which I call epiphany. First we recognise that the object is one integral thing, then we recognise that it is an organised composite structure, a thing in fact: finally, when the relation of the parts is exquisite, when the parts are adjusted to the special point, we recognise that it is that thing which it is. Its soul, its whatness, leaps to us from the vestment of its appearance. The soul of the commonest object, the structure of which is so adjusted, seems to us radiant. The object achieves its epiphany." - James Joyce's Stephen Hero

Knowing these things led me to a moment of realization on why I haven't produced any literary work until now. Perhaps, James Joyce's theory has some quality of truth too. I need to experience life more. I need to read books written by the legends more often, and steal their secrets. Eventually apply them to my process of writing.

Had I met this world sooner, I would have been able to stand a step further than just wondering how I can write. Had I been exposed to literature sooner, I would have known 'how to write'. I have met my demon who tells me 'what to write'; yet, I can't help but to disappoint them for I know nothing how to put them into words.

I am obsessed with the idea of teaching my nieces to love books from the very young age, in a hope that one day they could love to write as well.  So that, if I fail to become a writer, at least they could one day become ones.