Sabtu, 25 Juli 2015

WE ARE IN GRIEF

Did I tell you that I am a kind of person who is easily feeling bad about myself? I often feel guilty out of nothing. But it helps. It helps me to be who I am. My guilt is my weapon when I am around people. It makes me a tolerant, I guess. When someone serves me I will be so uneasy. I would prefer helping them than
being served.

That's just a minor case. There are many other things that could make me  uneasy. Today, for example, is the death of my aunty. She is so dear to me.  And I feel so bad, if I laugh in her dying day. I force I myself to mourn  with whatever it takes. I did mourn. I cried. I prayed for her. And it  doesn't feel enough.

Movie, is something that could move me to every state of emotions. I could  laugh, cry, or even get angry. Today, I chose to be crying. I watch "My Sister's Keeper."

This movie can easily relate to me. Not only because my aunty's death is  caused by the disease she has been suffering, which is something that this movie is talking about: DEATH - SICKNESS. But also because, I kind of in that situation once.

When I was little, my brother suffered typhus. That makes me notice my father's weakness. Not having money would not make my father frustrated, but if one of his boys gets sick he would not be able to do anything. Literally anything.

I was just a kid back then. In this movie I would be the Jesse. A son who needs attention from his parents but fails to get so. Even when I turned middle school I would be jealous and concluding that my father's absent during the end of semester to take my report as his lack of affection to me. Because he is  only favoring my ill-brother. That's what I would say to his face back then.

Today typhus wouldn't be thought as a serious ill. But back then it was. In fact my brother has to skip school for a year. He spent that long in hospital. One day an ambulance came to my neighborhood with its sirens. So loud. In my country it means the car is bringing a dead body. My mom was crying so out of control. She thought it was his boy on that car. The little me knew nothing.

I was just confused. It wasn't my brother's corpse. It was the corpse of a mother who died after giving birth to her son. And she's still our relative.

During that years, my father would spoil my brother with everything. He tried to provide everything he wants. And our family's financial condition was okay back then. It was in my turn everything turns upside down.

If you wonder why a last child could be as brave as me, that's my story. I've never been spoiled. I thank my brother for that. And I do love him as little brother. My jealousy back then was just a little boy story who's in need of attention.

I am very grateful he could make it. Even though that disease did come back  again when he was in high school, he managed to survive again.

I don't know what’s the point of my writing. I guess it's just me who wants to  transform grief into something positive. I love you aunty. I wish I could see you smiling from heaven. I think my father's weakness is mine too. I just  realized it that I couldn't handle hearing the news about my families' death. Just during my stay in Turkey alone, I have lost three of my dearest people: my grandma, grandpa and aunty. And my heart is aching when the news came.

MY FALLEN ANGEL


Berita kematian bagiku selalu menjadi hal terberat untuk dihandle.
Ketika pengeras suara dari surau atau mesjid terdekat berbunyi bukan
pada waktu jam shalat, maka jantungku langsung berdetak tak karuan.
Ritme-nya langsung berubah menjadi sangat kencang sekali.

Bunyi pengeras suara yang bukan pada jam-nya itu adalah rambu-rambu
bagi akan diumumkannya berita duka. Yang mendengarkan hanya perlu
menanti gerangan nama siapakah yang kali ini di panggil. Dan karena desa
tempat tinggal saya itu sangat adalah kolektif, bukan seperti kota besar
yang individualis, kami tau sama tau hampir setiap orang yang ada.
Termasuk diriku, yang sejak kecil sudah merantau. Kalaupun ada yang saya
tidak kenal, itu pasti karena mereka adalah generasi yang baru lahir di 9
tahun terakhir atau pendatang yang hadir dalam kurun waktu itu.

Tadi subuh jam empat pagi, ada satu panggilan yang saya tidak sempat
angkat. Nomernya tidak ada nama. Saya sudah tahu kalau ada nomer yang
ganjil seperti itu, salah satu kemungkinannya adalah itu telpon dari
Indonesia, dari keluargaku. Tapi aku memutuskan untuk tidak menelon
balik. Teoriku selama di Turki adalah, jam berapa pun telepon berbunyi
itu bukan karena 'urgent' tapi hanya karena perbedaan waktu. Dan karena
itu baru jam 4 pagi, aku memutuskan untuk membiarkannya. Pikirku aku
masih bisa menelpon balik dipagi hari.

Pagi ini jam 9, ketika aku masih terdidur pulas, telepon kembali berbunyi.
Benar, ternyata ayah yang telah menelpon. Dan teori yang ku develop selama
di Turki itu terpatahkan begitu saja. Telponan dijam 4 pagi waktu Turki itu
adalah sama value-nya dengan telepon yang berbunyi di jam 4 pagi waktu
Indonesia: ITU BERMAKNA URGENT!!! Ayah mengabarkan bahwa adik
yang ia cintai, bibiku - hero masa kecilku (bahkan hingga saat ini,) telah
meninggalkan kami.

Baru saja beberapa hari lalu aku bervideo call dengan sepupu-sepupuku
(anak-anaknya), yang sedang mudik ke kampung halaman. Mereka tinggal
di Bekasi, dan kali ini sedang mudik ke tanah Gayo untuk lebaran. Apakah
ini sebuah pertanda atau tidak, entahlah. Sejak awal sebelum mudik beliau
telah memutuskan bahwa anak-anak dan suami-nya akan pulang lebih awal
ke Bekasi (setelah lebaran,) karena mereka harus sekolah dan si Om harus
kerja. Sedang si bibi akan menetap ditanah kelahirannya untuk sementara
waktu. Nadia, anak pertamanya, mengatakan bahwa "mama mau berobat
dulu, bang."

Berobat, kata yang sangat positif karena artinya ia akan menghantarkan
orang yang sedang menajalaninya kepada keadaan 'terobati.'

Aku tak pernah bertanya penyakit apa yang sedang ia derita. Dengan
memutuskan untuk tinggal di tanah kelahirannya sementara waktu,
mungkin bisa sedikit menjawab tentang betapa beratnya sakit yang
yang ia derita. Bahkan mungkin, seperti yang ku katakan kati, itu adalah
sebuah tanda. Tanda bahwa itu adalah permintaan terakhirnya, ia ingin
berada didekapan keluarganya disaat-saat ia menghembuskan nafasnya.
Seandainya aku berada disana saat itu, aku akan melihat wajah bahagianya
ketika berkumpul dengan 17 saudara-saudari-nya.

Ia, 17 bersaudara. Angka yang besar, dan aku tak malu untuk
menyebutkannya sekalipun. Karena betapa besarpun angka itu, betapa
ramaipun mereka, mereka selalu akur. Tak pernah terjadi pertikaian
sama sekali. Kalau pada umumnya suatu keluarga selalu bertikai tentang
harta warisan, tidak dengan keluarga ku. Mereka yang tua-tua merelakan
harta warisan kepada yang muda. Karena memang mereka juga telah
mendapatkan harta dengan caranya masing masing. Tak pernah terbesit
didalam kepala mereka untuk mendapatkan harta dengan cara diwariskan
- dan itu adalah kunci kerukunan keluarga kami.

Mengharapkan harta warisan dari orangtua hanya akan melahirkan petikaian,
itu adalah salah satu pelajaran yang ku ambil dari keluarga besarku. Dan sejak
saat itu pula aku menanamkan dalam diri bahwa aku tidak akan pernah
menuntut harta warisan. Apalagi karena aku sudah disekolahkan sejauh ini,
uang yang dikeluarkan orangtuaku untuk biaya sekolah sudah lebih dari cukup!

Bibi-ku yang satu ini sangatlah special, terutama bagiku. Walaupun dia
hanya pulang sesekali ke Tanah Gayo, hanya pada saat lebaran. Kehadirannya
yang sedikit itulah yang telah menjadikanku orang seperti diriku saat ini.
Kami memiliki kata kunci yang hanya kami bertiga yang tau 'merantau'.
Dia dan pamanku, Al Mujaini  - mereka berdua adalah heroes ku.

Keinginanku merantau hadir setelah melihat betapa mengagumkannya
perjalanan hidup mereka. Sejak kecil mereka sudah merantau ke tanah
Jawa untuk bersekolah di pesantren dan tak kembali lagi. Mereka
memutuskan untuk hidup di Jabodetabek.

Kehadirannya yang selalu dirindukan oleh adik-kakanya di Tanah
Gayo lah hal yang aku jadikan motivasi. Aku ingin berada jauh dari
keluargaku (merantau,) dengan begitu aku akan sangat jarang bertemu
dengan mereka, dan rindu pun tercipta. Aku ingin petemuan emas.
Hanya sesekali tapi berjuta makna. Layaknya perasaan yang dirasakan
oleh kedua heroes ku.

Aku sangat jarang bertemu dengan bibiku yang satu ini tapi beliau
selalu hadir dalam phase terpenting dalam hidupku. Saat aku sedang
mengikuti jamboree Asean di Cibubur di tahun 2008, beliau hadir
bersama keluarga menjengukku. Beliau mengungkapkan betapa ia
sangat bangga padaku. Begitu juga denganku aku sangat bangga
telah memiliki bibi yang baik sepertinya. Bibi yang mukanya mirip
dengan diva Indonesia, Titi DJ.

Terakhir sebelum aku berangkat ke Turki aku menyempatkan diri
keluar dari tempat karantina untuk bertemu mereka. Dan dia juga
masih sama. Dia tahu bagaimana untuk menaikan semangatku.
Dengan mengatakan bahwa ia bangga padaku. Walaupun aku
sendiri tidak begitu yaki apakah aku bisa bangga pada diriku
sendiri. Dengan dengan segala alur ceita yang telah aku lewati
selama disini.

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un.
Terimakasih ya Allah engkau telah melahirkanku ditengah-tengah
keluarga ini. Kini Engkau telah memanggil bibi tercinta kami,
Mahyana binti AKA Mastany - atau Nana, maka tempatkanlah
beliau dibarisan orang-orang yang mendapat ridha-Mu.
Ampunkanlah segala dosanya ya Allah dan terimalah segala
amal ibadahnya. Bagi yang di tinggalkan, de Nadia, Zufar.
Jadikanlah mereka anak-anak yang soleh dan soleha yang
mampu mendoakan kedua orangtuanya. Cik Nadia juga,
ya tabah ya cik. Mewakili keluarga saya juga memohon
bila ada kesalahan beliau disengaja maupun tak disengaja,
mohon di maafkan.


My Fallen Angel

My Eyes melted the moment I heard about you,
He hunted you down,
Out of love -
Still, my heart can't seem to deal with it.

You - my fallen angel,
Fly to your home - heaven,
Because there is where
you belong to.
*****

I still can't deal with the fact that you are not around anymore. She is
still so young. Belum juga 40 mungkin. And her children still need her!
Allah knows better.

Izmir, July 25, 2015
 

Sabtu, 18 Juli 2015

post-reading reaction: THE FORTY RULES OF LOVE by Elif Shafak

 


Once a wise man told me one of the forty rules of reading. He said when
you are reading do not take all of them at once without examining it further.
The matter of believing thing has a great deal. Thus, ones do not go for this
one to quick. Ones have to overly think to come to the term where he or she
can finally gesture his head signing that he believes in the words that are
spoken or written.

Last evening I just finished a book by a writer that is so dear to me. She is
Elif Shafak. A writer that happens to come from a country where I live right
now. This is the third book of her that I have read. Hopefully I can read her
other masterpieces.

The title of the book is THE FORTY RULES OF LOVE. Before reading this
book I heard a rumor that says this book is all about Rumi. Later on, however,
I found out that this book talks very little about him. The center of this book
is not him, I think. It's Shams of Tabriz who becomes the star of this book.

Derived by curiosity to learn about Sufi's life I decided to buy the book about
three months ago. But I just have time to read it during summer holiday.
My schedule was so awfully crazy back then. The finals were on the line.
There were things need to be done. Etc Etc…

It took me about a month to finish reading this book. It's my TOP record!
Normally I could finish book in five days for the longest. The fact that it took
me this long. There must be something. No, it's not that this book was boring.
In fact I enjoyed it a lot. I just couldn't put up myself to the new 'sleeping-
getting up' times.

Ramadhan forces us to shift our time to sleep and wake up,which is quite
challenging. But again, that's what ramadhan all about right?An examination
that challenges you to shift your time, to fast, to keep your eyes, your heart, your thought from bad things. It's pretty much a month where we are supposed
to cleanse our body and soul from every single viruses that we, ourselves, has committedly infected to our soul and body.

So, what makes the book different? What is it this book has that other book
doesn’t have?

1.Her way of narrating the story.
Okay! Writing with the point of view of a single character is hard, at least
that's what I thought, yet she managed to do it in this book. Throughout
the book you will be amazed by the complexity of her narrating style. Each
chapter is narrated by different character.

Let me show off my literature-student instinct here. I think why she did that
here is particularly because she wants this book to be non-judgmental. The
fact that she gives every character the right to speak up for their own behalf
shows that she concerns a lot about this issue. When someone did something
wrong, she creates a kind of justification of why the character arrived to that
state, which again is part of the process of being non-judgmental.

2.The attempt to remind the readers that this book is a work of fiction.
The technique of novel within novel is no strange for us, and that's also
happening here. At first the book talks about Ella's life, a character from
present and through a novel that she happens to be trusted to read, we are
brought to a new story with different time setting. Present time with its
complication. And the past with its dramatically breath-taking conflict.

The novel Ella was reading is called 'Sweet Blasphemy' a book by a fictional
writer named A. Z. Zahara. His role in this story, I think, is as a reminder that
this book is just a fiction. Thus, we shouldn't take everything for granted. Especially
when it talks about the relationship between Rumi and Shams. What I know
about Rumi before reading this book is that he was inspired by divine love to
cite his poems. He didn't even have the attempt to write it down. It's
Husham Chelebi who scribe them all. But this book, somehow, tells us that
it's the lost of Shams that makes him a melancholy guy, and that transforms
him into a poet.

3.Focusing on theme rather than plot.
However odd it is to read everybody's mind, it still has its own entertainment.
On the top of it, it has message to deliver. Every chapter gives you a study of life,
I guess.

4.Narration Styles.
Ella is narrated with the third person eyes. The rest characters talk for their
own. 

Actually there are many things that make this book great but these are some
of them that I remember now. When I come up with others I will write them
down for sure….


Next to read "SOPHIE'S WORLD" by JOSTEIN GAARDER