I've
been thinking about "this day" since last month and I've been trying
to write since then but suddenly it’s not as easy as I thought. Too many things
to write make me not knowing which part or which ones must go first. Once I was
eagerly intending to write about everything that I went through. Started from
my hometown, and the reason why I convinced or made up my mind that I’ll be a traveler.
But
again that was only my thought. When I make my fingers move, none of them
showed up. They move irregulary as if they had never gone to scout troop. It
always ends with blank paper.
But I'm not gonna stop there. I knew, there is nothing I could expect from "this day." Such as surprise party or birthday gift. No, that's not gonna happen. Nobody's gonna do that for me. And, I'm not expecting that to happen though. But one, one that I can't forgive my self if I ever forget to write my next years "RESOLUTION."
Yaa.. Birthday is just an "annual" day for me to recheck what I've done lately and make a fresh "wish" for the next following years.
In this 20th day of my life in this world, I would like to thank my Allah for giving me all these things. The parents who are always taking care of me. No matter what happen. They make me stand in this position, in this unstoppable spirit of wanting to know more about this life. They're not a perfect role model for me, I often criticize them secretly, but I know their "imperfection" could be used for a "torch" in my dark journey. Thank you Bapak & Mamak for accompanying my journeys with your 'prayer.' I always know it that you have never stopped praying me to God for my healthiness etc, it keeps me courageous passing this uneasy life.
Thanks Lord this is my second year in Turkey. If someone would give me a "birthday gift" I would crave him for a “ticket” of going home. Or If God would sent me an angel who stands to make my wishes come true, I’ll not ask many things. I’ll just shout out one thing “Gayo High Land.” But I know that's not going to happen. So I had better to make another wish.
This is my 2nd year in Turkey but I'm still in my 2nd semester though (It supposed to be my 4th semester if I would have taken my study in Indonesia.) Don't ask why, you know I spent a year for Turkish prap class. I'm hoping God will give strength in facing years coming days. Plant the power as hard as rock within my heart to face all the struggles.
I've been learning lots of things in the last 2 years. From what I've experienced during those days, I have few things to conclude:
But I'm not gonna stop there. I knew, there is nothing I could expect from "this day." Such as surprise party or birthday gift. No, that's not gonna happen. Nobody's gonna do that for me. And, I'm not expecting that to happen though. But one, one that I can't forgive my self if I ever forget to write my next years "RESOLUTION."
Yaa.. Birthday is just an "annual" day for me to recheck what I've done lately and make a fresh "wish" for the next following years.
In this 20th day of my life in this world, I would like to thank my Allah for giving me all these things. The parents who are always taking care of me. No matter what happen. They make me stand in this position, in this unstoppable spirit of wanting to know more about this life. They're not a perfect role model for me, I often criticize them secretly, but I know their "imperfection" could be used for a "torch" in my dark journey. Thank you Bapak & Mamak for accompanying my journeys with your 'prayer.' I always know it that you have never stopped praying me to God for my healthiness etc, it keeps me courageous passing this uneasy life.
Thanks Lord this is my second year in Turkey. If someone would give me a "birthday gift" I would crave him for a “ticket” of going home. Or If God would sent me an angel who stands to make my wishes come true, I’ll not ask many things. I’ll just shout out one thing “Gayo High Land.” But I know that's not going to happen. So I had better to make another wish.
This is my 2nd year in Turkey but I'm still in my 2nd semester though (It supposed to be my 4th semester if I would have taken my study in Indonesia.) Don't ask why, you know I spent a year for Turkish prap class. I'm hoping God will give strength in facing years coming days. Plant the power as hard as rock within my heart to face all the struggles.
I've been learning lots of things in the last 2 years. From what I've experienced during those days, I have few things to conclude:
1.
I was too innocent during those days (the day before 20) and it makes me know
that I was ignorant.
I do everything with my childish instinct and I tend to do everything without thinking first. These last 2 years have really changed me as a person politically, socially and the last thing that makes me afraid of is about my view towards religion. When I do something relate to religion I always have questions to ask. It comes unexpectedly. The difficulty that I have is not having any "people" or "wise person" to share my fidgetiness. Sometimes when I got people "in internet," the questions that bother my head, suddenly gone. It remains unanswered. It keeps coming again and again, until I realize this is only a "trap," which takes me to be more careful and I should open my eyes wider.
Whenever “that whisper" is sounding I always fight with them by arguing. It sounds strange huh, you argue yourself, but it really happens. I call them the dark whisper. I hope you don't easily jump on to the conclusion. I'm good. You should not bother your mind about me.
It also makes me realize that being "kid" is really white as they said. You should not think about anything. Nothing bothers you. You're focus only with your childhood life. Playing and playing. But now everything has changed. Through your days you learned something new. What you've learned is not always good. It might be leaving a "question" in your mind. And you should know which ones good and which ones not.
2. I realize who I am and what I'm going through
Have you ever thought about your childhood life? And do you really understand why you did that, back then? That's what I'm now questioning. I feel like that guy wasn't me. Someone else was driving that guy's life. I didn't. If I was convincing myself that “the guy” was me, but I always deny it by saying “I didn't do it consciously.”
Why I was thinking so perfect about God, back then, which is good. But now, sometimes, bad thought coming and it changes our view about God. Astagfirullahalazim… Why I wasn't complaining anything. I did complain but it was only about "candy" or "chips" or "noodle" or "toys" but not about real life. So the conclusion is "Childhood is innocent and dull." I knew I was selfish back then and this life bring me into place where I can erase that stupid "nature."
I do everything with my childish instinct and I tend to do everything without thinking first. These last 2 years have really changed me as a person politically, socially and the last thing that makes me afraid of is about my view towards religion. When I do something relate to religion I always have questions to ask. It comes unexpectedly. The difficulty that I have is not having any "people" or "wise person" to share my fidgetiness. Sometimes when I got people "in internet," the questions that bother my head, suddenly gone. It remains unanswered. It keeps coming again and again, until I realize this is only a "trap," which takes me to be more careful and I should open my eyes wider.
Whenever “that whisper" is sounding I always fight with them by arguing. It sounds strange huh, you argue yourself, but it really happens. I call them the dark whisper. I hope you don't easily jump on to the conclusion. I'm good. You should not bother your mind about me.
It also makes me realize that being "kid" is really white as they said. You should not think about anything. Nothing bothers you. You're focus only with your childhood life. Playing and playing. But now everything has changed. Through your days you learned something new. What you've learned is not always good. It might be leaving a "question" in your mind. And you should know which ones good and which ones not.
2. I realize who I am and what I'm going through
Have you ever thought about your childhood life? And do you really understand why you did that, back then? That's what I'm now questioning. I feel like that guy wasn't me. Someone else was driving that guy's life. I didn't. If I was convincing myself that “the guy” was me, but I always deny it by saying “I didn't do it consciously.”
Why I was thinking so perfect about God, back then, which is good. But now, sometimes, bad thought coming and it changes our view about God. Astagfirullahalazim… Why I wasn't complaining anything. I did complain but it was only about "candy" or "chips" or "noodle" or "toys" but not about real life. So the conclusion is "Childhood is innocent and dull." I knew I was selfish back then and this life bring me into place where I can erase that stupid "nature."
I
know now, when that thing comes I always try to purify my head into a pure
innocent thought, which is impossible, but I’m willing to try though.
3. I need journey!
Last semester I was reading about "Odysseus," a heroic character of Greek mythology. He simply is a maniac in traveling. He also needs 10 years only for coming back to his homeland, Ithaca, after the Trojan war. Okay I've been telling you that this is my 2nd year in Turkey and I don't know when I'm gonna put my feet back on my homeland. So I would like to say that I'm ready to be having a journey(s) like Odysseus. And my other figure is Ibn Batutah (but I haven't read any book about his journey yet.) I heard about him a lot. He went to my homeland, anyway. I knew it from the book named "Negeri Lima Menara."
4. Planning is not always like its reality
The first time I let my tears down is when I was about to continue my High-school, I was dreaming to attend “that school” and it was so famous in our province. All smart boys are there. I thought if I were living around smart boy, their smart will be spread to me. Or at least I can be influenced by their "willing to study-ness" habit. But I didn't get that chance. I have to satisfy with another High-school, which its name quite similar. I will not write the name. (:D)
The last time I weeping was when I was planning to study in Jogja, turns out I'm in Turkey now. I should have been happy now but I do and I don't. There are lots of stuff have been coming through (I won't write it here, there is a special place for that) But now I'm reconciling myself about that. May God always be with me.
Thanks God, in this 20th year of my life, I want to be closer to you and please don't allow them to break my faith. I love you my Allah. I'll never betray you. And please help me to face this upcoming years making my dreams come true and life stronger…:) :) :)
3. I need journey!
Last semester I was reading about "Odysseus," a heroic character of Greek mythology. He simply is a maniac in traveling. He also needs 10 years only for coming back to his homeland, Ithaca, after the Trojan war. Okay I've been telling you that this is my 2nd year in Turkey and I don't know when I'm gonna put my feet back on my homeland. So I would like to say that I'm ready to be having a journey(s) like Odysseus. And my other figure is Ibn Batutah (but I haven't read any book about his journey yet.) I heard about him a lot. He went to my homeland, anyway. I knew it from the book named "Negeri Lima Menara."
4. Planning is not always like its reality
The first time I let my tears down is when I was about to continue my High-school, I was dreaming to attend “that school” and it was so famous in our province. All smart boys are there. I thought if I were living around smart boy, their smart will be spread to me. Or at least I can be influenced by their "willing to study-ness" habit. But I didn't get that chance. I have to satisfy with another High-school, which its name quite similar. I will not write the name. (:D)
The last time I weeping was when I was planning to study in Jogja, turns out I'm in Turkey now. I should have been happy now but I do and I don't. There are lots of stuff have been coming through (I won't write it here, there is a special place for that) But now I'm reconciling myself about that. May God always be with me.
Thanks God, in this 20th year of my life, I want to be closer to you and please don't allow them to break my faith. I love you my Allah. I'll never betray you. And please help me to face this upcoming years making my dreams come true and life stronger…:) :) :)
Wishes list of 2014-2015
1. Go Europe
2. Go Home
3. Good GPA
4. More Productive
in Writing
5. Oh.. There
are so many things. I shouldn’t write it though..
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